The heart is heavy....

I received a phone call last weekend after the successful Durian Fest that makes my heart heavy. Someone I care about is terribly sick and since he is warded at the CCU of a hospital and I am not an immediate family member, I cannot go and visit. However, should l even go if I could?
I wished I dont feel this way, wanting to go and yet dont know how to explain the relationship to warrant such visit and l am not even obligated to go. But the heart is oh so heavy with the news....
It's difficult when you are no longer in a relationship but still have some remnants of feelings for that person. When that person is in some difficulties, you wished you could be there but you are scared of the consequences of it. Will you be strong enough? Will the heart goes haywire after that? Ot will it be purely pity?

Dont you just hate this feeling?

You know the early stages of a relationship where you wonder whether that person returns your feelings and whether you are the only one feeling this way and the other probably doesn't? each move he/she makes will spur you to analyse with minute detail of the significance and meaning behind such move, every sms or emails or phone calls or words said analysed like CSI series if possible, under the microscope? Well, I hate this feeling!!!!! The worst part is, we go through this stage everytime! Why can't we just skip this stage? No matter how old you are (or the possible partner is), you still go through this nerve wrecking stage and spend hours wondering. Dont you just hate it?

The endless questions you ask yourself, or your (unfortunate) friends on whether that person returns your feelings and what to do about it etc...I guess we all go through this stage of a relationship because it is a stage that we have to go through. Kind of like a workflow that we create for work purpose.

My friend, Ms J is going through this stage and I am sure she hates it. So do I Ms J, so do I. I guess for those who are already in relationships, must be thankful that the whole "does he like me?" stage is over and that you are secure in your knowledge that your spouses or partners do love you!

However, having said that, what is the alternative then? Is there one? Not get involved at all and just live our lives not knowing the feeling of love and loss?

As much as I hate this feeling of uncertainty, l'd rather go through it then to live my life not experiencing love at all. It comes with a risk of losing of course, but hey...nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Mak, I miss you....

Yesterday, 7 May 2011 marks the 3 month that my mum left us on her 70th birthday. It is especially hard today on 8 May, which is mothers' day now that I don't have a mum anymore. I have had a normal relationship with my mum. You know, the kind that goes through the motion - love and needed her a lot when I was small, love her but going through the teenage angst when I was a teenager (so lots of door slamming and so on), love her and became her friend when I was older as I realised she was wise and what a great mum I had and towards the end, love her and needed her as much as she needed me when she was sick.

I can still remember taking care of her when she was sick. She had a liver illness and the doctors didnt have time to diagnose her illness although they informed us that her condition was not critical. She passed away at my brother's house in Rawang, one day before she was due to check in at Selayang Hospital for further tests. It is not meant to be I guess....

The 2 and 1/2 months that I took care of her was not enough. I can still remember the last day I saw her alive. We just celebrated her 70th birthday (2 days early) along with Haffy's (my nephew's birthday). Then I fed her her birthday cake and she ate the whole piece - which was a record for her during that time! That day I bathed her and fed her and kissed her as I was leaving for my home town with my dad cos he wanted to take some things from home. She seemed fine and we left with happy feelings, not knowing that it was going to be the last time I saw her. I didn't come back to Rawang the next day as I was so tired. She passed away on her 70th birthday at 11.50am. Do I regret that I was not there when she passed away? I accepted it as god's fate and I have done what's expected of me as a daughter but I'd do anything I could to have a few more minutes with her. Just to hear her voice even if it is to scold me....

As we celebrate Mother's Day today I realised that I used to take the day for granted. Keep telling myself, its just another day since my mum was still alive then. Now, the day is a painful reminder that she is no longer here. No longer there to answer the phone and tell me about the tv series she was watching, no longer here to cook my favourite food and no longer here to hug me and advise me....I miss my mum...so much that it hurts.

For all of you out there, if your mum is still alive, spend time with her and love her and not just on Mothers' Day. If you have a fight with her, think whether it is worth to hold on to your ego. If it is not, say sorry and patch things up. They don't need much, they just need some of our time and attention. Love them while they are still alive and well.

To all mothers out there, happy mothers day....

My friend Hasni posted a beautiful poem not long after my mum died. I love that poem entitled "I carry your heart", by E E Cummings. Mak, I carry your heart with me, forever.... I miss you. Alfatihah to my mum- Hajah Fatimah Arifin (7 Feb 1941 - 7 Feb 2011).

Who are our friends and relatives?

My mum has been sick since mid Nov (Eid Adha - the religious event for Muslims where we sacrifice animals to profess our beliefs in Allah). So far she has been in 4 hospitals. At times like this we know who our friends and relatives are. Real friends and relatives are those who stand by you in times of need and grief. I can actually count who my friends and relatives are. It makes me wonder, out of all my supposed 'friends' and people who are related to us, who are really those that we can count as friends and relatives? Not many I can tell you that!

My sister once updated her FB and said that when you are old, sick and has no money, then you know who are friends and relatives. This is sooooo true akak!

People as close as your own flesh and blood may not even be willing to sacrifice their time (not even money ok) to drop by and say hello. Nak tolong jaga jauh sekali! Not even a phone call once in a while to ask how she is. Maybe their phone credit is too precious to dial my dad's number? Hmm... I wonder what my mum thinks about all these. She must be sad that her own relatives don't care enough. I am sure she is not asking for much, not even your money. Just some of your time. My dad also told me one day, he is sad that people we call our relatives don't even bother. Whereas, (some) friends go all out to come visit, to offer advice and prayers, call or sms several times or even asked through Facebook.

It begs the question then - who are our friends and relatives?

I'd like to thank my friends who have been there with me throughout this trying time. It takes so much patience and emotional strength to take care of the sick and I am thankful that I have a few who constantly remind me to be strong. May Allah repay you tenfold for your good deeds. It is not the money you spent on cards or fruits or sms or calls, it is the sincere thoughts and the time you sacrifice that matter. I know who my friends and relatives are now. It is a sad truth but there it is. I hope that I will be there for you as much as you have been there for me and insyallah I will not forget.