Mak, I miss you....

Yesterday, 7 May 2011 marks the 3 month that my mum left us on her 70th birthday. It is especially hard today on 8 May, which is mothers' day now that I don't have a mum anymore. I have had a normal relationship with my mum. You know, the kind that goes through the motion - love and needed her a lot when I was small, love her but going through the teenage angst when I was a teenager (so lots of door slamming and so on), love her and became her friend when I was older as I realised she was wise and what a great mum I had and towards the end, love her and needed her as much as she needed me when she was sick.

I can still remember taking care of her when she was sick. She had a liver illness and the doctors didnt have time to diagnose her illness although they informed us that her condition was not critical. She passed away at my brother's house in Rawang, one day before she was due to check in at Selayang Hospital for further tests. It is not meant to be I guess....

The 2 and 1/2 months that I took care of her was not enough. I can still remember the last day I saw her alive. We just celebrated her 70th birthday (2 days early) along with Haffy's (my nephew's birthday). Then I fed her her birthday cake and she ate the whole piece - which was a record for her during that time! That day I bathed her and fed her and kissed her as I was leaving for my home town with my dad cos he wanted to take some things from home. She seemed fine and we left with happy feelings, not knowing that it was going to be the last time I saw her. I didn't come back to Rawang the next day as I was so tired. She passed away on her 70th birthday at 11.50am. Do I regret that I was not there when she passed away? I accepted it as god's fate and I have done what's expected of me as a daughter but I'd do anything I could to have a few more minutes with her. Just to hear her voice even if it is to scold me....

As we celebrate Mother's Day today I realised that I used to take the day for granted. Keep telling myself, its just another day since my mum was still alive then. Now, the day is a painful reminder that she is no longer here. No longer there to answer the phone and tell me about the tv series she was watching, no longer here to cook my favourite food and no longer here to hug me and advise me....I miss my mum...so much that it hurts.

For all of you out there, if your mum is still alive, spend time with her and love her and not just on Mothers' Day. If you have a fight with her, think whether it is worth to hold on to your ego. If it is not, say sorry and patch things up. They don't need much, they just need some of our time and attention. Love them while they are still alive and well.

To all mothers out there, happy mothers day....

My friend Hasni posted a beautiful poem not long after my mum died. I love that poem entitled "I carry your heart", by E E Cummings. Mak, I carry your heart with me, forever.... I miss you. Alfatihah to my mum- Hajah Fatimah Arifin (7 Feb 1941 - 7 Feb 2011).