I carry your heart with me mak

7 Feb 2012 was my late mother's 71st birthday which also marks one year of her leaving us to meet Allah. One year of coming to terms with the fact that she is gone forever from our lives and not being able to call her and ask how her day was or hug her. It feels like my heart was ripped out of my body all over again. It's still fresh in my mind of a year ago when l heard the news that she was gone. It was my first day backa t work after a long leave to care for her. I was at the lrt station trying to take my car and drive back to my brother's house in Rawang when my dad called to say that she was gone. "mak dah takde", my dad said while sobbing. I felt frozen and numb. So many thoughts were running through my mind and l had no idea who was there etc. I started crying in the lrt while strangers just looked at me. I got off at Wangsa Maju but l knew l could not drive because l dont have the strength. I called my friend, Sue (may Allah bless her for being a wonderful friend) and she came to pick me up. I was crying all the way to Rawang, thinking that it could be a cruel joke and thatshe would wake up and tell me she was ok.

Alas, when l got there l could see some people already and l had no idea who they were. I saw my mum, lying in the living room, covered with a batik cloth. Then it really dawned on me that she is gone. Ya Allah, she is gone...

I remembered giving her her final bath before they cover her (kafan) and l was numb the whole time. Friends kept coming all the way and asking me to be strong and all l could think about was she is gone from my life and l felt like dying. I felt like l havent had enough time to care for her and that she was supposed to get well. Why did she have to die and leave me? It's not that l dont believe in Allah's will but l just needed and extra bit of time with her.

We took her body back to Perak for her final resting place and masyallah, Allah is great as she was buried next to my first brother who passed away more than 6 years ago. During the talqin (prayer rites) l sat next to my sister and we supported each other with tears kept streaming down my face and the thoughts of my mum not being there anymore kept recurring.

I remembered my mum telling me she was tired when l told her to fight her disease. She didnt have cancer, she didnt have a chronic disease so we thought she would get better. But she told me that she was tired. Maybe she was ready to go, wallahualam...

I pray that Allah will place her among His beloved because she was a great Muslim and a great mum to me and my siblings.

I went to a course on 99 names of Allah and one of the names is Al Warith, which means, the Inheritor. Allah will inherit everything, including your spouse, children etc. We are entrusted to care for that person for however long she/he lives and that at the end of the day, everything is His. It is so difficult to come to terms with that, because we are so used to thinking things and people belonging to us but l'm trying Ya Rabb, l am trying. May Allah gives me the strength to let go and accept and for those who still have your parents, value them and appreciate them while they are still alive. We dont know how long we have with them when you are forced to let go.

Mak, although one year has passed, l still yearn for you but l know Allah is taking care of you, insyallah. I carry your heart with me....