I carry your heart with me mak

7 Feb 2012 was my late mother's 71st birthday which also marks one year of her leaving us to meet Allah. One year of coming to terms with the fact that she is gone forever from our lives and not being able to call her and ask how her day was or hug her. It feels like my heart was ripped out of my body all over again. It's still fresh in my mind of a year ago when l heard the news that she was gone. It was my first day backa t work after a long leave to care for her. I was at the lrt station trying to take my car and drive back to my brother's house in Rawang when my dad called to say that she was gone. "mak dah takde", my dad said while sobbing. I felt frozen and numb. So many thoughts were running through my mind and l had no idea who was there etc. I started crying in the lrt while strangers just looked at me. I got off at Wangsa Maju but l knew l could not drive because l dont have the strength. I called my friend, Sue (may Allah bless her for being a wonderful friend) and she came to pick me up. I was crying all the way to Rawang, thinking that it could be a cruel joke and thatshe would wake up and tell me she was ok.

Alas, when l got there l could see some people already and l had no idea who they were. I saw my mum, lying in the living room, covered with a batik cloth. Then it really dawned on me that she is gone. Ya Allah, she is gone...

I remembered giving her her final bath before they cover her (kafan) and l was numb the whole time. Friends kept coming all the way and asking me to be strong and all l could think about was she is gone from my life and l felt like dying. I felt like l havent had enough time to care for her and that she was supposed to get well. Why did she have to die and leave me? It's not that l dont believe in Allah's will but l just needed and extra bit of time with her.

We took her body back to Perak for her final resting place and masyallah, Allah is great as she was buried next to my first brother who passed away more than 6 years ago. During the talqin (prayer rites) l sat next to my sister and we supported each other with tears kept streaming down my face and the thoughts of my mum not being there anymore kept recurring.

I remembered my mum telling me she was tired when l told her to fight her disease. She didnt have cancer, she didnt have a chronic disease so we thought she would get better. But she told me that she was tired. Maybe she was ready to go, wallahualam...

I pray that Allah will place her among His beloved because she was a great Muslim and a great mum to me and my siblings.

I went to a course on 99 names of Allah and one of the names is Al Warith, which means, the Inheritor. Allah will inherit everything, including your spouse, children etc. We are entrusted to care for that person for however long she/he lives and that at the end of the day, everything is His. It is so difficult to come to terms with that, because we are so used to thinking things and people belonging to us but l'm trying Ya Rabb, l am trying. May Allah gives me the strength to let go and accept and for those who still have your parents, value them and appreciate them while they are still alive. We dont know how long we have with them when you are forced to let go.

Mak, although one year has passed, l still yearn for you but l know Allah is taking care of you, insyallah. I carry your heart with me....

The heart is heavy....

I received a phone call last weekend after the successful Durian Fest that makes my heart heavy. Someone I care about is terribly sick and since he is warded at the CCU of a hospital and I am not an immediate family member, I cannot go and visit. However, should l even go if I could?
I wished I dont feel this way, wanting to go and yet dont know how to explain the relationship to warrant such visit and l am not even obligated to go. But the heart is oh so heavy with the news....
It's difficult when you are no longer in a relationship but still have some remnants of feelings for that person. When that person is in some difficulties, you wished you could be there but you are scared of the consequences of it. Will you be strong enough? Will the heart goes haywire after that? Ot will it be purely pity?

Dont you just hate this feeling?

You know the early stages of a relationship where you wonder whether that person returns your feelings and whether you are the only one feeling this way and the other probably doesn't? each move he/she makes will spur you to analyse with minute detail of the significance and meaning behind such move, every sms or emails or phone calls or words said analysed like CSI series if possible, under the microscope? Well, I hate this feeling!!!!! The worst part is, we go through this stage everytime! Why can't we just skip this stage? No matter how old you are (or the possible partner is), you still go through this nerve wrecking stage and spend hours wondering. Dont you just hate it?

The endless questions you ask yourself, or your (unfortunate) friends on whether that person returns your feelings and what to do about it etc...I guess we all go through this stage of a relationship because it is a stage that we have to go through. Kind of like a workflow that we create for work purpose.

My friend, Ms J is going through this stage and I am sure she hates it. So do I Ms J, so do I. I guess for those who are already in relationships, must be thankful that the whole "does he like me?" stage is over and that you are secure in your knowledge that your spouses or partners do love you!

However, having said that, what is the alternative then? Is there one? Not get involved at all and just live our lives not knowing the feeling of love and loss?

As much as I hate this feeling of uncertainty, l'd rather go through it then to live my life not experiencing love at all. It comes with a risk of losing of course, but hey...nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Mak, I miss you....

Yesterday, 7 May 2011 marks the 3 month that my mum left us on her 70th birthday. It is especially hard today on 8 May, which is mothers' day now that I don't have a mum anymore. I have had a normal relationship with my mum. You know, the kind that goes through the motion - love and needed her a lot when I was small, love her but going through the teenage angst when I was a teenager (so lots of door slamming and so on), love her and became her friend when I was older as I realised she was wise and what a great mum I had and towards the end, love her and needed her as much as she needed me when she was sick.

I can still remember taking care of her when she was sick. She had a liver illness and the doctors didnt have time to diagnose her illness although they informed us that her condition was not critical. She passed away at my brother's house in Rawang, one day before she was due to check in at Selayang Hospital for further tests. It is not meant to be I guess....

The 2 and 1/2 months that I took care of her was not enough. I can still remember the last day I saw her alive. We just celebrated her 70th birthday (2 days early) along with Haffy's (my nephew's birthday). Then I fed her her birthday cake and she ate the whole piece - which was a record for her during that time! That day I bathed her and fed her and kissed her as I was leaving for my home town with my dad cos he wanted to take some things from home. She seemed fine and we left with happy feelings, not knowing that it was going to be the last time I saw her. I didn't come back to Rawang the next day as I was so tired. She passed away on her 70th birthday at 11.50am. Do I regret that I was not there when she passed away? I accepted it as god's fate and I have done what's expected of me as a daughter but I'd do anything I could to have a few more minutes with her. Just to hear her voice even if it is to scold me....

As we celebrate Mother's Day today I realised that I used to take the day for granted. Keep telling myself, its just another day since my mum was still alive then. Now, the day is a painful reminder that she is no longer here. No longer there to answer the phone and tell me about the tv series she was watching, no longer here to cook my favourite food and no longer here to hug me and advise me....I miss my mum...so much that it hurts.

For all of you out there, if your mum is still alive, spend time with her and love her and not just on Mothers' Day. If you have a fight with her, think whether it is worth to hold on to your ego. If it is not, say sorry and patch things up. They don't need much, they just need some of our time and attention. Love them while they are still alive and well.

To all mothers out there, happy mothers day....

My friend Hasni posted a beautiful poem not long after my mum died. I love that poem entitled "I carry your heart", by E E Cummings. Mak, I carry your heart with me, forever.... I miss you. Alfatihah to my mum- Hajah Fatimah Arifin (7 Feb 1941 - 7 Feb 2011).

Who are our friends and relatives?

My mum has been sick since mid Nov (Eid Adha - the religious event for Muslims where we sacrifice animals to profess our beliefs in Allah). So far she has been in 4 hospitals. At times like this we know who our friends and relatives are. Real friends and relatives are those who stand by you in times of need and grief. I can actually count who my friends and relatives are. It makes me wonder, out of all my supposed 'friends' and people who are related to us, who are really those that we can count as friends and relatives? Not many I can tell you that!

My sister once updated her FB and said that when you are old, sick and has no money, then you know who are friends and relatives. This is sooooo true akak!

People as close as your own flesh and blood may not even be willing to sacrifice their time (not even money ok) to drop by and say hello. Nak tolong jaga jauh sekali! Not even a phone call once in a while to ask how she is. Maybe their phone credit is too precious to dial my dad's number? Hmm... I wonder what my mum thinks about all these. She must be sad that her own relatives don't care enough. I am sure she is not asking for much, not even your money. Just some of your time. My dad also told me one day, he is sad that people we call our relatives don't even bother. Whereas, (some) friends go all out to come visit, to offer advice and prayers, call or sms several times or even asked through Facebook.

It begs the question then - who are our friends and relatives?

I'd like to thank my friends who have been there with me throughout this trying time. It takes so much patience and emotional strength to take care of the sick and I am thankful that I have a few who constantly remind me to be strong. May Allah repay you tenfold for your good deeds. It is not the money you spent on cards or fruits or sms or calls, it is the sincere thoughts and the time you sacrifice that matter. I know who my friends and relatives are now. It is a sad truth but there it is. I hope that I will be there for you as much as you have been there for me and insyallah I will not forget.

The yearning...

In a few days it will be one year to the day that I began my spiritual journey. 14 Nov to be exact, was the day that my brother, parents and me started our pilgrimage to Makkah to perform our hajj.

I was having dinner with my uncle and auntie yesterday and we were talking about hajj and such. God I miss the experience! I miss gazing at the beautiful Kaabah. I miss Nabawi mosque. I miss everything and the yearning is so strong! I mean, the pilgrimage was not without its trials and tribulations of course but still, it's an experience that I want to go through again and again.

I remember the feeling of not being prepared and scared before I started the hajj. The thoughts of me having committed a lot of sins and thus, not good enough to perform my hajj took centre stage and still fresh in my mind. Well, alhamdulillah, those things are behind me now and I did it! So, my advise to those still unsure, just do it! Make some preparations and do it. It is not easy to get the 'invitation' by Allah, so if you did, just take up the invitation.

How I long for the day for me to go again. It's like there's a siren calling me, making me yearn to see the holy kaabah again. I pray that Allah will grant me the invitation to go again and soon.

randomness of human kindness

I always enjoy going to cooking classes by Halim. Have been going to his classes for a few years already and still find it enjoyable. It does not matter that sometimes they are repeat classes or that I mostly don't practice what were taught (much to Halim's dismay!!). I enjoy the company and the stories we share while we cook and while we enjoy the fruit of our labour (the best part of the day!).

In the last class, Halim shared with us about how human kindness can just be random. It can surpass ethnic background, social status and so on. While we were happily tucking in into the yummy roast turkey - it was American Traditional Thanksgiving Dinner (complete with cranberry sauce!), he told us that one day, he was driving back home from running an errand when he had this urge to pee so he stopped at a petrol station and quickly rushed out of his car. His car is an SUV, a big car. He fleetingly saw a chinese woman next to his car. Just as he was about to do his business, someone yelled at the door "kereta you tgh bergerak!" (translated as "your car is moving!"). Forgetting about his urge, he quickly rushed out to see about his expensive car. What he saw made us laughed so much that tears rushed out of our eyes.

This tiny chinese lady that was next to his car was holding on to his car! You see, in his haste, he forgot to pull the handbrake and there was a slight slope. So the car was moving backwards. This old and tiny lady rushed to help by holding on to the front of the car, fearing that if the car moved any further, it will drift to the main road. She did not think about whether she had the physical ability to do it or who she was helping. She just did it out of kindness. It does not matter what religion or race the person she was helping.

It was a funny story about the tiny lady holding on to the big heavy car with all her might but the underlying message is that it was the best example of a random act of kindness. It is much lacking in our society nowadays isn't it? Sad, but true.