Mak, I miss you....

Yesterday, 7 May 2011 marks the 3 month that my mum left us on her 70th birthday. It is especially hard today on 8 May, which is mothers' day now that I don't have a mum anymore. I have had a normal relationship with my mum. You know, the kind that goes through the motion - love and needed her a lot when I was small, love her but going through the teenage angst when I was a teenager (so lots of door slamming and so on), love her and became her friend when I was older as I realised she was wise and what a great mum I had and towards the end, love her and needed her as much as she needed me when she was sick.

I can still remember taking care of her when she was sick. She had a liver illness and the doctors didnt have time to diagnose her illness although they informed us that her condition was not critical. She passed away at my brother's house in Rawang, one day before she was due to check in at Selayang Hospital for further tests. It is not meant to be I guess....

The 2 and 1/2 months that I took care of her was not enough. I can still remember the last day I saw her alive. We just celebrated her 70th birthday (2 days early) along with Haffy's (my nephew's birthday). Then I fed her her birthday cake and she ate the whole piece - which was a record for her during that time! That day I bathed her and fed her and kissed her as I was leaving for my home town with my dad cos he wanted to take some things from home. She seemed fine and we left with happy feelings, not knowing that it was going to be the last time I saw her. I didn't come back to Rawang the next day as I was so tired. She passed away on her 70th birthday at 11.50am. Do I regret that I was not there when she passed away? I accepted it as god's fate and I have done what's expected of me as a daughter but I'd do anything I could to have a few more minutes with her. Just to hear her voice even if it is to scold me....

As we celebrate Mother's Day today I realised that I used to take the day for granted. Keep telling myself, its just another day since my mum was still alive then. Now, the day is a painful reminder that she is no longer here. No longer there to answer the phone and tell me about the tv series she was watching, no longer here to cook my favourite food and no longer here to hug me and advise me....I miss my mum...so much that it hurts.

For all of you out there, if your mum is still alive, spend time with her and love her and not just on Mothers' Day. If you have a fight with her, think whether it is worth to hold on to your ego. If it is not, say sorry and patch things up. They don't need much, they just need some of our time and attention. Love them while they are still alive and well.

To all mothers out there, happy mothers day....

My friend Hasni posted a beautiful poem not long after my mum died. I love that poem entitled "I carry your heart", by E E Cummings. Mak, I carry your heart with me, forever.... I miss you. Alfatihah to my mum- Hajah Fatimah Arifin (7 Feb 1941 - 7 Feb 2011).

Who are our friends and relatives?

My mum has been sick since mid Nov (Eid Adha - the religious event for Muslims where we sacrifice animals to profess our beliefs in Allah). So far she has been in 4 hospitals. At times like this we know who our friends and relatives are. Real friends and relatives are those who stand by you in times of need and grief. I can actually count who my friends and relatives are. It makes me wonder, out of all my supposed 'friends' and people who are related to us, who are really those that we can count as friends and relatives? Not many I can tell you that!

My sister once updated her FB and said that when you are old, sick and has no money, then you know who are friends and relatives. This is sooooo true akak!

People as close as your own flesh and blood may not even be willing to sacrifice their time (not even money ok) to drop by and say hello. Nak tolong jaga jauh sekali! Not even a phone call once in a while to ask how she is. Maybe their phone credit is too precious to dial my dad's number? Hmm... I wonder what my mum thinks about all these. She must be sad that her own relatives don't care enough. I am sure she is not asking for much, not even your money. Just some of your time. My dad also told me one day, he is sad that people we call our relatives don't even bother. Whereas, (some) friends go all out to come visit, to offer advice and prayers, call or sms several times or even asked through Facebook.

It begs the question then - who are our friends and relatives?

I'd like to thank my friends who have been there with me throughout this trying time. It takes so much patience and emotional strength to take care of the sick and I am thankful that I have a few who constantly remind me to be strong. May Allah repay you tenfold for your good deeds. It is not the money you spent on cards or fruits or sms or calls, it is the sincere thoughts and the time you sacrifice that matter. I know who my friends and relatives are now. It is a sad truth but there it is. I hope that I will be there for you as much as you have been there for me and insyallah I will not forget.

The yearning...

In a few days it will be one year to the day that I began my spiritual journey. 14 Nov to be exact, was the day that my brother, parents and me started our pilgrimage to Makkah to perform our hajj.

I was having dinner with my uncle and auntie yesterday and we were talking about hajj and such. God I miss the experience! I miss gazing at the beautiful Kaabah. I miss Nabawi mosque. I miss everything and the yearning is so strong! I mean, the pilgrimage was not without its trials and tribulations of course but still, it's an experience that I want to go through again and again.

I remember the feeling of not being prepared and scared before I started the hajj. The thoughts of me having committed a lot of sins and thus, not good enough to perform my hajj took centre stage and still fresh in my mind. Well, alhamdulillah, those things are behind me now and I did it! So, my advise to those still unsure, just do it! Make some preparations and do it. It is not easy to get the 'invitation' by Allah, so if you did, just take up the invitation.

How I long for the day for me to go again. It's like there's a siren calling me, making me yearn to see the holy kaabah again. I pray that Allah will grant me the invitation to go again and soon.

randomness of human kindness

I always enjoy going to cooking classes by Halim. Have been going to his classes for a few years already and still find it enjoyable. It does not matter that sometimes they are repeat classes or that I mostly don't practice what were taught (much to Halim's dismay!!). I enjoy the company and the stories we share while we cook and while we enjoy the fruit of our labour (the best part of the day!).

In the last class, Halim shared with us about how human kindness can just be random. It can surpass ethnic background, social status and so on. While we were happily tucking in into the yummy roast turkey - it was American Traditional Thanksgiving Dinner (complete with cranberry sauce!), he told us that one day, he was driving back home from running an errand when he had this urge to pee so he stopped at a petrol station and quickly rushed out of his car. His car is an SUV, a big car. He fleetingly saw a chinese woman next to his car. Just as he was about to do his business, someone yelled at the door "kereta you tgh bergerak!" (translated as "your car is moving!"). Forgetting about his urge, he quickly rushed out to see about his expensive car. What he saw made us laughed so much that tears rushed out of our eyes.

This tiny chinese lady that was next to his car was holding on to his car! You see, in his haste, he forgot to pull the handbrake and there was a slight slope. So the car was moving backwards. This old and tiny lady rushed to help by holding on to the front of the car, fearing that if the car moved any further, it will drift to the main road. She did not think about whether she had the physical ability to do it or who she was helping. She just did it out of kindness. It does not matter what religion or race the person she was helping.

It was a funny story about the tiny lady holding on to the big heavy car with all her might but the underlying message is that it was the best example of a random act of kindness. It is much lacking in our society nowadays isn't it? Sad, but true.

Do we have a choice?

Do we have a choice when it comes to relatives? We don't right?

If we don't like any of our friends, we can just remove them , either on FB or physically. Ha ha! Well, removing them physically can lead you to jail, so you can just choose the safer option of not to contact them. However, when it comes to relatives,well, that is a different ball game all together! I mean, we can choose to not attend family gatherings but may miss some relatives who we are close to or face the wrath of your mum or dad. So we have to face our relatives, especially during family gatherings.

In every family, there will be one or two family members whom we just cannot stand. maybe it's the chemistry. These are the ones that you can barely tolerate. There could also be some in your immediate family that just drive you up the wall! But what can we do since we see them at raya gatherings, family reunions and so on. Sigh.... It's even worst if he/she is your in laws or your own sister or brother right?

simplest is the best

A friend brought me to a restaurant recently. I just breakfasted at a yummy sate place in Hartamas called Satay Station. My friend wanted to eat rice and the sate place doesn't serve rice. So we went to the Timor Place in Taman Dagang, Ampang.

I was pleasantly surprised to see different things on the menu which we hardly find in other restaurants. I saw things like 'keropok lekor' and 'lempeng' (pancake made of flour and coconut). I quickly ordered the lempeng that came with sambal. t was yummy although I was very full. So I managed to eat only a quarter of it. Then I asked the waitress to tapau' it.

The next morning, while I was having my sahur (early breakfast before subuh prayers for those wanting to perform fasting) I suddenly remembered that I had that lempeng in my fridge. So I quickly took it out and heat it for awhile. In the wee hours of the morning I realised that sometimes, the simplest thing is the best after all... I totally enjoyed the simple sahur/breakfast which I have not had for the longest time.

Miscommunication or by choice?

Sometimes people misconstrue what you say or do. It just goes to show that we see and understand what we want to. Isn't it? Or is it due to miscommunication or in the case of a chinese whisper game, mishearing something? I find that it is so easy for us to misconstrue something said or done. If only we take the time to truly understand and ask that person what we understood is correct rather than saying something behind that person's back or hinting about it to someone else or on FB. So much pain can be reduced! So is misconstruing something by choice or is it due to miscommunication?